1 00:00:02,176 --> 00:00:04,395 ♪♪ [theme] 2 00:01:13,638 --> 00:01:15,597 Dear Dad. 3 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:18,861 Something new has been added: A tape recorder. 4 00:01:18,904 --> 00:01:22,038 One of our guys stole it from the Tokyo PX. 5 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:25,433 He gave it to a nurse as a carnal bribe, 6 00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:27,870 and then she gave it to Father Mulcahy 7 00:01:27,913 --> 00:01:30,873 in a gin-induced fit of remorse. 8 00:01:30,916 --> 00:01:32,788 Father Mulcahy gave it to me 9 00:01:32,831 --> 00:01:34,311 because he didn't want anybody to think 10 00:01:34,355 --> 00:01:36,705 he was taping confessions. 11 00:01:36,748 --> 00:01:39,882 Our program originates from the Swamp, 12 00:01:39,925 --> 00:01:42,014 which is the subject of a picture spread 13 00:01:42,058 --> 00:01:44,626 in next month's Toilet and Garden. 14 00:01:44,669 --> 00:01:47,716 Not five feet away from me I see Trapper John McIntyre 15 00:01:47,759 --> 00:01:49,239 cutting his toenails. 16 00:01:49,283 --> 00:01:52,721 He sells them to the tourists as war souvenirs. 17 00:01:52,764 --> 00:01:55,071 Say hello, Trapper. 18 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,117 Hello, Trapper. 19 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,119 Isn't he clever? 20 00:01:59,162 --> 00:02:01,817 He had the bolt in his neck tightened yesterday. 21 00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:03,819 Speaking of which-- 22 00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:05,821 yesterday, that is-- 23 00:02:05,864 --> 00:02:09,085 we had what is known around the 4-0-double 7 24 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,043 as a full, rich day. 25 00:02:11,087 --> 00:02:13,655 It started out in triage. That's the process 26 00:02:13,698 --> 00:02:15,918 of assigning the wounded medical priority: 27 00:02:15,961 --> 00:02:17,963 who's hurt the worst, who's sicker than who. 28 00:02:18,007 --> 00:02:19,791 -On the subject of sick-- -Move, move, move. 29 00:02:19,835 --> 00:02:20,923 ...Frank Burns was in charge. 30 00:02:20,966 --> 00:02:23,012 I share quarters with Frank-- 31 00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:24,535 Frank and a family of roaches and a herd of silverfish. 32 00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:26,581 -Driver! -Frank is the tall one. 33 00:02:26,624 --> 00:02:28,322 Where's the driver? 34 00:02:28,365 --> 00:02:30,802 I want the driver of this bus, chop-chop! 35 00:02:30,846 --> 00:02:32,195 What do you want the driver for, Frank? 36 00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:33,805 I want to know what we got on this bus! 37 00:02:33,849 --> 00:02:35,111 Migrant workers, Frank. 38 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,678 They came to pick the lettuce crop. 39 00:02:39,724 --> 00:02:41,422 Give this man a unit of whole blood. 40 00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:46,601 He didn't make the ride. I can't find a tag. 41 00:02:46,644 --> 00:02:48,994 This must be the Luxembourg lieutenant. 42 00:02:49,038 --> 00:02:51,562 -Are you the driver of this bus? -Yes, sir. 43 00:02:51,606 --> 00:02:53,651 I've ordered you not to wear dresses. 44 00:02:53,695 --> 00:02:55,740 Oh, not till I get a psycho discharge, sir. 45 00:02:55,784 --> 00:02:58,569 -Over my dead body. -Whatever you say, sir. 46 00:02:58,613 --> 00:03:01,877 Where's your S-47 manifest and D-21 triplicate? 47 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:03,313 You should have given those to me immediately. 48 00:03:03,357 --> 00:03:05,315 Sir, these men are hurt and bleeding. 49 00:03:05,359 --> 00:03:07,056 Did you give them permission to bleed, Frank? 50 00:03:07,099 --> 00:03:08,231 Did they fill in their pain forms? 51 00:03:08,275 --> 00:03:11,191 Oh, stuff it, you wagster! 52 00:03:11,234 --> 00:03:13,584 -What about him? -Leave him. He can wait. 53 00:03:13,628 --> 00:03:15,064 MAN [on P.A.]: Captains Pierce andMcIntyre 54 00:03:15,107 --> 00:03:16,631 report to O.R. immediately. 55 00:03:16,674 --> 00:03:18,633 Move it, sirs. 56 00:03:18,676 --> 00:03:20,417 All yours, Frank. 57 00:03:20,461 --> 00:03:21,984 Not too many decisions now. 58 00:03:22,027 --> 00:03:23,420 You don't want to get a headache. 59 00:03:24,987 --> 00:03:26,336 What have you got there? 60 00:03:28,947 --> 00:03:30,514 I said, what have you got there? 61 00:03:30,558 --> 00:03:31,907 A sandwich case, Major. 62 00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:33,474 You want him back up or belly up? 63 00:03:33,517 --> 00:03:36,825 [man shouting in foreign language] 64 00:03:38,087 --> 00:03:39,393 Turkish soldier, sir. 65 00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:40,655 I'm pretty nuts, 66 00:03:40,698 --> 00:03:42,309 but this guy could open a crazy school. 67 00:03:47,836 --> 00:03:49,185 [Turkish] 68 00:03:50,404 --> 00:03:51,883 Why wasn't this man sedated? 69 00:03:51,927 --> 00:03:53,276 He was, sir. 70 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,147 They pumped a whole drugstore into his arm. 71 00:03:55,191 --> 00:03:57,367 He's got a busted shoulder and a fanny full of lead, 72 00:03:57,411 --> 00:03:59,369 but these Turks won't leave their buddies for nothing. 73 00:03:59,413 --> 00:04:01,893 -[shouts] -Right. 74 00:04:01,937 --> 00:04:04,156 Major, you want to take away that knife of his? 75 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,158 I'm not interested in mock heroism. 76 00:04:06,202 --> 00:04:08,378 I'll settle for the real thing, sir. 77 00:04:08,422 --> 00:04:10,859 Get him to pre-op! They'll sedate him! 78 00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:16,647 Klinger, I want to see you out of that dress tonight! 79 00:04:16,691 --> 00:04:18,693 Never on a first date, sir. 80 00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:23,001 Don't sneak down on me like that. 81 00:04:23,045 --> 00:04:24,394 I'm sorry, Major. 82 00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:26,266 Whatever happened to saluting, Corporal? 83 00:04:26,309 --> 00:04:29,617 Beats me, sir. Have you seen the Luxembourg lieutenant sir? 84 00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:31,532 Captain McIntyre says he's supposed to be on this bus, 85 00:04:31,575 --> 00:04:33,316 but I can't find anybody with his identifi-- 86 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:34,796 I don't care what Captain McIntyre said. 87 00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:36,537 I have never cared. And at this moment, 88 00:04:36,580 --> 00:04:38,930 I don't care twice as much as I never cared before! 89 00:04:50,507 --> 00:04:52,379 Hey! 90 00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:56,774 Excuse me. 91 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,345 I need some help. 92 00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:05,087 I believe a salute is in order, Lieutenant. 93 00:05:05,130 --> 00:05:06,567 Uh, here's a salute for you, sir. 94 00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,003 What's your outfit, buddy? 95 00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:11,659 I'd appreciate some help right now. 96 00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:14,270 I asked your outfit. 97 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:17,578 My sergeant, Sergeant Bryan, is in the back of the jeep. 98 00:05:17,621 --> 00:05:21,408 He's badly hurt. I want you to take care of him immediately. 99 00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:24,324 Look, Lieutenant, I know how difficult this war is. 100 00:05:24,367 --> 00:05:27,370 It probably seems even worse to you people at the front. 101 00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:30,895 Your Sergeant Bryan will be processed and taken care of in due course. 102 00:05:30,939 --> 00:05:32,897 [rifle cocks] 103 00:05:32,941 --> 00:05:34,856 Now. 104 00:05:34,899 --> 00:05:36,640 Sir, 105 00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:37,989 that's one of those new guns 106 00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:40,427 can shoot 30 corporals a second. 107 00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:44,213 I make the medical decisions around here, Lieutenant. 108 00:05:44,256 --> 00:05:45,649 Decide. 109 00:05:45,693 --> 00:05:48,826 Are you threatening me with that thing? 110 00:05:48,870 --> 00:05:50,306 Yes, sir. 111 00:05:53,396 --> 00:05:54,919 -Corporal? -Sir? 112 00:05:54,963 --> 00:05:56,268 You're a witness. 113 00:05:56,312 --> 00:05:57,705 I sure wish I could go and report it, sir. 114 00:05:57,748 --> 00:06:00,403 Just stay right here and keep an eye on this man. 115 00:06:00,447 --> 00:06:03,188 I think Colonel Blake will have a little something to say about all this. 116 00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:12,633 Hi. 117 00:06:12,676 --> 00:06:14,548 Where does that door go? 118 00:06:14,591 --> 00:06:15,897 That's the pre-op-- 119 00:06:15,940 --> 00:06:18,203 p-preparation before operating. 120 00:06:18,247 --> 00:06:19,901 All right. Get another man 121 00:06:19,944 --> 00:06:21,990 and take Sergeant Bryan in there. 122 00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:24,427 Only surgical personnel can go in there, sir. 123 00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:26,386 -Do it. -That's a great idea. 124 00:06:26,429 --> 00:06:27,822 Why don't I just go get a man 125 00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:30,607 and do just like you wanted me to? 126 00:06:30,651 --> 00:06:33,001 HAWKEYE: You have no idea, Dad, what a calming effect 127 00:06:33,044 --> 00:06:35,133 Frank Burnshas in pre-op. 128 00:06:35,177 --> 00:06:38,049 Not unlike Dracula showing up at a blood bank. 129 00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:40,182 Fortunately, we can, in times of stress 130 00:06:40,225 --> 00:06:42,619 always rely on Henry Blake's cool eloquence. 131 00:06:42,663 --> 00:06:45,579 Will you hold your bladder, Frank? 132 00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:48,364 I tell you, he threatened me with a gun! 133 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,453 It probably had no water in it, Frank. 134 00:06:50,497 --> 00:06:52,455 -Is this the crazy Turk? -Yeah. 135 00:06:52,499 --> 00:06:54,370 I gave him half a grain of morphine, sir. 136 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:55,893 Will you never mind about the crazy Turk? 137 00:06:55,937 --> 00:06:57,765 There's a crazy American out there! 138 00:06:57,808 --> 00:06:59,941 Sorry, Frank. This is the crazy Turk hospital. 139 00:06:59,984 --> 00:07:01,986 The crazy American hospital's on the other side of town. 140 00:07:02,030 --> 00:07:03,640 Get him on the table. 141 00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:05,773 You just didn't read the guy right or something, Frank. 142 00:07:05,816 --> 00:07:09,037 I mean, nobody walks in and sticks up a MASH unit at gunpoint. 143 00:07:12,606 --> 00:07:14,521 -Bring him in. -Colonel 144 00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:20,352 -Who's the head man here? -Um, he is. 145 00:07:20,396 --> 00:07:22,354 You rank this chicken lover? 146 00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:26,489 Well, I'm the I'm the senior officer. 147 00:07:26,533 --> 00:07:29,405 Sir, my name is Smith. This is Sergeant Bryan. 148 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,102 He's one of the finest men alive, 149 00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:32,800 and we're going to keep him alive, right? 150 00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,758 And he's gonna get top priority, right? 151 00:07:36,368 --> 00:07:38,458 Now, look here, Lieutenant, uh 152 00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:40,242 -Smith. -That's right. 153 00:07:40,285 --> 00:07:43,506 First thing you're gonna do, Smith, is put that gun down. 154 00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:45,900 Guns have a way of going off, which is usually followed by 155 00:07:45,943 --> 00:07:48,598 parts of the body breaking away. 156 00:07:48,642 --> 00:07:51,383 Why don't Lieutenant Smith and I have a talk outside? 157 00:07:51,427 --> 00:07:53,647 -Okay. -Oh, no. Not till someone-- 158 00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:55,083 Meanwhile, your friend will be looked at 159 00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:58,173 by Colonel Blake and Major Chicken Lover. 160 00:07:58,216 --> 00:08:00,871 Let's go, shall we? 161 00:08:00,915 --> 00:08:03,308 You're just spreading germs in here. 162 00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:15,320 Is that the guy, Frank? 163 00:08:15,364 --> 00:08:17,584 Uh-huh. 164 00:08:17,627 --> 00:08:19,237 -You smoke? -No. 165 00:08:19,281 --> 00:08:20,804 Oh, good for you. 166 00:08:20,848 --> 00:08:22,545 The country's littered with butts as it is, 167 00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:24,982 turning South Korea into an ashtray. 168 00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:29,421 -They call you Smitty? -Some. 169 00:08:29,465 --> 00:08:31,554 They call me Hawkeye. 170 00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:33,774 That's from The Last of the Mohicans, 171 00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:36,341 the only book my father ever read. 172 00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:37,691 Mother read all the time. 173 00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:39,649 That way she didn't have to talk to Father. 174 00:08:45,350 --> 00:08:47,570 Uh, look, Smitty, I'm gonna have to go serious on you 175 00:08:47,614 --> 00:08:48,832 about this thing, okay? 176 00:08:48,876 --> 00:08:49,833 Yes, sir. 177 00:08:52,183 --> 00:08:54,751 We have a different perspective on war as a whole 178 00:08:54,795 --> 00:08:57,101 than I think is possible for you. 179 00:08:57,145 --> 00:09:00,670 To a line officer with 30 or 40 guys' lives depending on them 180 00:09:00,714 --> 00:09:03,325 and with your life depending on them, 181 00:09:03,368 --> 00:09:05,327 the war's not some big geopolitical conflict 182 00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:08,809 between nations and ideologies. 183 00:09:08,852 --> 00:09:10,288 It's not just China and America 184 00:09:10,332 --> 00:09:12,682 sticking their tongues out at each other. 185 00:09:12,726 --> 00:09:14,771 To you, there's maybe 30 or 40 guys 186 00:09:14,815 --> 00:09:16,251 in that high grass over there 187 00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:19,907 trying to kill me and my 30 or 40 guys. 188 00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:22,083 It's that concentrated. To you, that's the entire war. 189 00:09:22,126 --> 00:09:23,563 I guess that's right. 190 00:09:23,606 --> 00:09:26,478 But it's something else in our little heaven. 191 00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:29,699 To us, the war is trying very hard to control chaos. 192 00:09:29,743 --> 00:09:32,615 We're up to our bottoms in other people's bottoms here. 193 00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:35,183 We can't afford the same kind of fierce personal loyalties 194 00:09:35,226 --> 00:09:37,620 that you and Sergeant Bryan feel for each other. 195 00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:41,232 Can you understand that? 196 00:09:41,276 --> 00:09:43,278 I sure can. 197 00:09:43,321 --> 00:09:44,627 It's the size of the wound, 198 00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,107 who's bleeding the most buckets 199 00:09:46,150 --> 00:09:48,283 that we give priority to. 200 00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:49,676 It's the only place I know 201 00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:50,981 where being the worst makes you the best. 202 00:09:52,896 --> 00:09:56,508 Yeah. I sure can see what you mean. 203 00:09:56,552 --> 00:09:58,641 I thought you would. 204 00:09:58,685 --> 00:10:01,426 Now get back in there and fix Sergeant Bryan, 205 00:10:01,470 --> 00:10:03,428 or else, understand? 206 00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:05,169 Perfectly. 207 00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:09,478 -Number 10 blade. -Number 10. 208 00:10:09,521 --> 00:10:12,394 Aah! Frank! Look, I don't mind you trying 209 00:10:12,437 --> 00:10:14,091 to make a soup bone out of my thumb, 210 00:10:14,135 --> 00:10:15,876 but if we screw up on Sergeant Bryan here, 211 00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:17,617 the fella who's outside paying the bills 212 00:10:17,660 --> 00:10:19,053 might get very angry. 213 00:10:19,096 --> 00:10:21,664 We wouldn't want his credit card to go off. 214 00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:24,449 Giving in to that lieutenant is the height of cowardice. 215 00:10:24,493 --> 00:10:26,451 Coming from you, that's a compliment. 216 00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,497 Keep quiet, Frank, or we won't let you keep the deposit 217 00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:29,541 on the specimen bottles. 218 00:10:31,195 --> 00:10:33,545 Let me see those X-rays again, Mr. Kwang. 219 00:10:33,589 --> 00:10:35,417 HAWKEYE: How's the mad Turk doing, Henry? 220 00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:39,203 I could sell his left shoulder as a jigsaw puzzle. 221 00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:41,118 Colonel! 222 00:10:41,162 --> 00:10:43,555 -Frank, will you just-- -Henry, your patient! 223 00:10:43,599 --> 00:10:46,123 Oh, for Pete's sake. 224 00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:48,169 All right, you. On your back. 225 00:10:48,212 --> 00:10:50,650 Attaboy. Bomb him, will you, Mr. Kwang? 226 00:10:56,177 --> 00:10:58,396 [shouts] 227 00:11:04,228 --> 00:11:05,969 What the hell is he saying? 228 00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:07,623 Why don't we all go to Berlitz and find out? 229 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,103 Henry, he's your patient! Get him! 230 00:11:13,324 --> 00:11:15,326 Now, look, look. 231 00:11:15,370 --> 00:11:19,156 I mean, nobody wants to hurt you, guy. 232 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,941 Keep it up, Henry. Lovely, Henry. 233 00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,771 Just give me the needle, huh? 234 00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:26,076 [shouting] 235 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,730 Just give me the-- 236 00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:30,167 -[all gasping] -FRANK: Guard! Mayday! 237 00:11:30,211 --> 00:11:34,606 -Mayday! -99, 98... 238 00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:37,348 97... 239 00:11:37,392 --> 00:11:39,263 Good night, sweet prince. 240 00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:49,491 Are you feeling better, sir? 241 00:11:49,534 --> 00:11:51,362 I dreamt I was home. 242 00:11:51,406 --> 00:11:54,061 Sunday morning. Lorraine and me in bed. 243 00:11:54,104 --> 00:11:58,239 All of us: the kids, the dog, the Sunday papers. 244 00:11:58,282 --> 00:12:02,460 You can never put that dog next to any papers. 245 00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:03,897 Uh, yes, sir. 246 00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:05,768 Where's the Turk, Radar? Did we get him? 247 00:12:05,812 --> 00:12:08,466 Oh, not yet, sir. We're combing the entire area. 248 00:12:08,510 --> 00:12:10,468 Fool could have killed me. 249 00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:11,861 I get the wrong kind of shot, 250 00:12:11,905 --> 00:12:13,733 I turn blue and curl up in a ball. 251 00:12:13,776 --> 00:12:17,084 There's someone waiting to see you, sir. 252 00:12:17,127 --> 00:12:19,434 I was born with someone waiting to see me. 253 00:12:19,477 --> 00:12:21,610 RADAR: Right in here, sir. 254 00:12:21,653 --> 00:12:25,701 Lieutenant Colonel Blake, I am Colonel Blanche, 255 00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,529 commander of the Luxembourg contingent 256 00:12:27,572 --> 00:12:29,444 to the U.N. Forces in Korea. 257 00:12:29,487 --> 00:12:33,056 Well, this is a privilege. 258 00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:35,319 I've met many of our allies over here, sir 259 00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:37,626 but you're the first, um, um 260 00:12:37,669 --> 00:12:39,759 Luxembourger. 261 00:12:39,802 --> 00:12:44,285 One of my men, Lt. Henri Batiste LeClerq 262 00:12:44,328 --> 00:12:47,810 he was wounded and brought to your unit today. 263 00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:51,379 Well, I'm sure he's getting the very best care we can give him, Colonel. 264 00:12:51,422 --> 00:12:53,381 -Uh, sir? -Hmm? 265 00:12:53,424 --> 00:12:56,819 -That won't be necessary. -Of course it's necessary. 266 00:12:56,863 --> 00:13:00,910 -What are you talking about? -Lieutenant LeClerq sort of, um 267 00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:04,827 died, sir. 268 00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:08,526 Oh? Oh, I'm sorry. 269 00:13:10,311 --> 00:13:13,836 Those are the fortunes of war. 270 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,752 Are you dead sure, Radar? 271 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,841 I mean 272 00:13:18,885 --> 00:13:21,148 Well, we think that he more or less had passed on 273 00:13:21,191 --> 00:13:24,151 when he was brought in on the bus, sir. 274 00:13:24,194 --> 00:13:26,501 You will understand, Colonel Blake 275 00:13:26,544 --> 00:13:29,460 that it is of the utmost importance to our small nation 276 00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:33,508 that I recover the body for appropriate military honors. 277 00:13:33,551 --> 00:13:35,945 Yes, sir. We'll have that body for you 278 00:13:35,989 --> 00:13:38,687 before you can say "Jacques Robinson." Radar? 279 00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:40,994 Well 280 00:13:41,037 --> 00:13:44,084 Now, sir, the thing is that we've sort of, um 281 00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:47,870 misplaced him, sir lost him, you might say. 282 00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:50,046 We've lost him? 283 00:13:50,090 --> 00:13:52,353 And that, sir, is not at all 284 00:13:52,396 --> 00:13:54,529 one of the fortunes of war. 285 00:13:54,572 --> 00:13:56,792 I will not leave here without him. 286 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,141 I'll have the place turned upside-down. 287 00:13:58,185 --> 00:13:59,490 I want this camp turned upside-down. 288 00:13:59,534 --> 00:14:00,622 I'll find him. I promise. Yes, sir. 289 00:14:00,665 --> 00:14:02,015 There'll be no not finding him. 290 00:14:02,058 --> 00:14:04,365 Clear? 291 00:14:04,408 --> 00:14:06,846 He'll find him. We lose 'em all the time. 292 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,199 You still there, Dad? 293 00:14:12,242 --> 00:14:15,028 I am, most unfortunately, still here. 294 00:14:15,071 --> 00:14:17,378 I wrote a letter to General MacArthur last week 295 00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:20,424 suggesting the war be declared a draw. 296 00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:22,731 He sent me back an autographed picture of himself 297 00:14:22,774 --> 00:14:25,995 wading ashore at the Philippines. 298 00:14:26,039 --> 00:14:27,692 Right now, my manservant Trapper 299 00:14:27,736 --> 00:14:29,520 is mixing me a martini. 300 00:14:29,564 --> 00:14:31,522 He makes them beautifully. 301 00:14:31,566 --> 00:14:33,481 He made me an especially dry one last night, 302 00:14:33,524 --> 00:14:34,743 but it blew away. 303 00:14:36,788 --> 00:14:39,748 Your recipe is 4-1, is it not? 304 00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:42,055 [Mock British Accent] Five to one, actually. 305 00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:43,534 Uh, five parts gin 306 00:14:43,578 --> 00:14:45,928 and one moment's silence for the vermouth. 307 00:14:45,972 --> 00:14:48,148 Thank you. I'm sure our listeners found that boring 308 00:14:48,191 --> 00:14:50,498 without actually being interesting at all. 309 00:14:50,541 --> 00:14:52,108 No trouble. 310 00:14:52,152 --> 00:14:54,371 Getting back to yesterday, Dad-- 311 00:14:54,415 --> 00:14:55,807 Can you see in there? 312 00:14:55,851 --> 00:14:56,983 ...Trapper and Frank Burns 313 00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:58,201 worked on Sergeant Bryan 314 00:14:58,245 --> 00:14:59,899 with a devotion unmatched 315 00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:01,552 since Dr. Mudd worked on John Wilkes Booth. 316 00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:03,946 -Clamp, clamp, clamp. -How's he doing? Okay? 317 00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:06,775 Okay. Clamp. 318 00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:08,516 Lieutenant Smith sat in on the session 319 00:15:08,559 --> 00:15:11,040 with his E-flat alto carbine. 320 00:15:11,084 --> 00:15:13,216 At one point, Corporal O'Reilly 321 00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:15,175 came scurrying along on his two little feet, 322 00:15:15,218 --> 00:15:18,004 which incidentally is also his height. 323 00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:21,224 Sir! Sir? I found him! 324 00:15:21,268 --> 00:15:23,400 Found who, Radar? Mr. Right? Who? 325 00:15:23,444 --> 00:15:25,794 The Turkish soldier! I need help! 326 00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:27,013 Ask Colonel Blake. 327 00:15:27,056 --> 00:15:28,710 He keeps, uh, falling asleep. 328 00:15:28,753 --> 00:15:31,452 -How can you tell? -I'll get your bag. 329 00:15:31,495 --> 00:15:33,149 Where is the Turk, Radar? 330 00:15:33,193 --> 00:15:35,021 He's hiding in the kitchen. 331 00:15:35,064 --> 00:15:37,849 If he eats any of our food, our problems may be over. 332 00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:47,947 Uh, hello? 333 00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:00,611 Now, look, fella. I realize that to you, 334 00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:02,874 the war's not just some geopolitical conflict 335 00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:04,528 of nations and ideologies. 336 00:16:04,572 --> 00:16:07,357 -[shouts] -[Radar gasps] 337 00:16:07,401 --> 00:16:09,359 That's twice that didn't work. 338 00:16:09,403 --> 00:16:11,840 I don't think he speaks any English. 339 00:16:11,883 --> 00:16:14,016 If he understands fear, we're in business. 340 00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:16,540 The U.N. Puts out this Turkish dictionary. 341 00:16:16,584 --> 00:16:18,803 Well, they're certainly gonna get my Christmas card business. 342 00:16:18,847 --> 00:16:21,197 -Look up, uh-- -Cinli! 343 00:16:21,241 --> 00:16:23,286 Cinli.That's good. Look that up. 344 00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:26,898 Look under-- under "Ch" for Cinli. 345 00:16:26,942 --> 00:16:28,422 Cinli! 346 00:16:28,465 --> 00:16:30,554 Hurry up, Radar, before his eyeballs explode. 347 00:16:30,598 --> 00:16:31,903 Chinese! It means Chinese! 348 00:16:31,947 --> 00:16:33,688 Chinese! 349 00:16:33,731 --> 00:16:35,168 [Turkish] 350 00:16:35,211 --> 00:16:36,778 He certainly doesn't seem too crazy 351 00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:38,301 about you-know-whats. 352 00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:39,694 Yeah. 353 00:16:39,737 --> 00:16:41,391 I got an idea. 354 00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:43,437 Whatever it is, I love it. 355 00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:48,703 Momentito. 356 00:16:58,104 --> 00:17:00,367 -Cinli! -Cinli! 357 00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:01,846 [Turkish] 358 00:17:01,890 --> 00:17:03,805 [Gibberish] 359 00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:05,720 I think he just wants to get back to his outfit 360 00:17:05,763 --> 00:17:07,504 so he can kill more Chinese. 361 00:17:07,548 --> 00:17:09,985 Chinese! 362 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,595 Cinli! 363 00:17:11,639 --> 00:17:13,075 And that's just what we're gonna let him do. 364 00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:15,164 But his shoulder. He needs attention! 365 00:17:15,208 --> 00:17:16,600 Don't argue, Radar! 366 00:17:16,644 --> 00:17:18,080 -[shouts] -[shouts] 367 00:17:19,342 --> 00:17:21,257 He needs clothes! 368 00:17:21,301 --> 00:17:23,259 -Right. -Give him yours. 369 00:17:23,303 --> 00:17:25,653 -Huh? -Get undressed, Radar, fast 370 00:17:25,696 --> 00:17:27,524 or I'll pull you right out of your boots! 371 00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:33,443 I send you back to front. 372 00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:35,837 [artillery sounds] 373 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,057 -In a jeep. -Jeep? 374 00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:43,584 So you can [choking sound] all the Cinliyou want 375 00:17:43,627 --> 00:17:45,586 to your Turkish delight. 376 00:17:45,629 --> 00:17:47,936 Okay? 377 00:17:47,979 --> 00:17:50,895 -Okay. -[cleaver clatters] 378 00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:52,767 Good Joe. 379 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,598 Damn good Joe. 380 00:17:59,469 --> 00:18:02,472 Get undressed, Radar. 381 00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:04,387 I'm sorry there's no band. 382 00:18:08,174 --> 00:18:10,611 FRANK: Come on, Lieutenant. I can't see anything. 383 00:18:10,654 --> 00:18:13,004 -TRAPPER: Lap sponge. -NURSE: Lap Sponge. 384 00:18:13,048 --> 00:18:15,964 -Rats! -Watch it, Frank. 385 00:18:16,007 --> 00:18:17,270 SMITH: What did he do? 386 00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:19,620 Nothing! Mm! 387 00:18:19,663 --> 00:18:21,143 Don't sweat, Lieutenant. 388 00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:22,840 That's what he usually does around here. 389 00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:25,626 No slipups, understand? 390 00:18:25,669 --> 00:18:27,584 Hey, look, pal. It's hard enough 391 00:18:27,628 --> 00:18:29,412 playing cat's cradle with someone's guts. 392 00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:31,022 You don't make it any easier standing there 393 00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:33,199 with that coffee grinder. 394 00:18:33,242 --> 00:18:35,897 This isn't the Old West, you know. 395 00:18:35,940 --> 00:18:37,681 Just keep working. 396 00:18:37,725 --> 00:18:41,468 Boy, you guys at the front. You think you own the war. 397 00:18:41,511 --> 00:18:43,731 Well, it's not easy back here, you know-- 398 00:18:43,774 --> 00:18:46,255 the noise, the pressure. 399 00:18:46,299 --> 00:18:47,735 I'd like to see how tough you'd be 400 00:18:47,778 --> 00:18:49,345 if you didn't have to be so brave. 401 00:18:49,389 --> 00:18:51,042 Hey, Frank, you're sucking around 402 00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:53,915 for a blast of friendly gunfire. 403 00:18:55,656 --> 00:18:57,353 TRAPPER: Frank, let's get ready to close. 404 00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:58,746 -I'll clean him up. -Okay. 405 00:18:58,789 --> 00:19:00,661 Can we have a little irrigation? 406 00:19:00,704 --> 00:19:03,011 You sirs seen a body in here should be somewhere else? 407 00:19:03,054 --> 00:19:05,013 Yeah, Klinger-- mine. 408 00:19:05,056 --> 00:19:07,015 -Suture. -Suture. 409 00:19:07,058 --> 00:19:09,670 Boy, if this doesn't take the cake. 410 00:19:09,713 --> 00:19:12,194 Sending a wounded man back to the front in my clothes 411 00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:14,588 and toasting it with prune juice. 412 00:19:14,631 --> 00:19:17,504 Radar, in my bag, right on top 413 00:19:17,547 --> 00:19:19,810 is a brown bottle with clear liquid. 414 00:19:21,377 --> 00:19:23,379 Nice, clear liquid. 415 00:19:23,423 --> 00:19:25,642 Put some in our friend here's juice. 416 00:19:25,686 --> 00:19:27,644 And you jeep him out of camp, 417 00:19:27,688 --> 00:19:29,516 but you won't get more than half a mile 418 00:19:29,559 --> 00:19:30,821 before he falls asleep, 419 00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:32,345 -and then bang-o. -Bang-o! 420 00:19:32,388 --> 00:19:35,043 Right. And you drive him right back here 421 00:19:35,086 --> 00:19:37,132 and we put him in the shop for some body work. 422 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,395 Ready, Skippy? 423 00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:44,313 Here's to chloryl hydrate. 424 00:19:44,357 --> 00:19:46,228 Chloryl hydrate. Okay? 425 00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:48,187 You bet your mustache. 426 00:19:50,276 --> 00:19:52,234 Frank, would you do me a favor? 427 00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:53,409 Sure. 428 00:19:53,453 --> 00:19:54,889 Next time we work together, 429 00:19:54,932 --> 00:19:56,020 let's do it apart. 430 00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:02,940 Love your toga, Radar. 431 00:20:02,984 --> 00:20:04,725 Just nobody say nothing to me. 432 00:20:04,768 --> 00:20:07,031 Corner of 57th Street and the war, and step on it. 433 00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:13,037 I've had this place turned upside-out. 434 00:20:13,081 --> 00:20:15,388 I can't understand it. 435 00:20:19,130 --> 00:20:20,828 Did you see that? 436 00:20:20,871 --> 00:20:22,960 Just my corporal riding around in a sheet, sir. 437 00:20:23,004 --> 00:20:24,962 There's so little for the men to do. 438 00:20:25,006 --> 00:20:26,834 That was my jeep. He has stolen it. 439 00:20:26,877 --> 00:20:29,097 Oh, I don't think so. It's not like Radar 440 00:20:29,140 --> 00:20:31,752 to steal anything without asking. 441 00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:34,581 Colonel, I'll get the jeep back. Don't worry. 442 00:20:34,624 --> 00:20:36,496 But as for Lieutenant LeClerq, 443 00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:38,149 since we can't seem to locate him, 444 00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:39,977 maybe we could perform a brief ceremony 445 00:20:40,021 --> 00:20:41,501 honoring his loss. 446 00:20:41,544 --> 00:20:43,981 That is, your losing him, not our losing him. 447 00:20:44,025 --> 00:20:46,288 That is very thoughtful. 448 00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:49,073 Well, I think it's the very "lost" we can do. 449 00:20:53,817 --> 00:20:56,820 Hey, look, pal, It's been a well-rounded day of insanity 450 00:20:56,864 --> 00:20:59,301 to which your contribution is no longer welcome. 451 00:20:59,345 --> 00:21:00,868 So you can knock off the heroics 452 00:21:00,911 --> 00:21:03,610 and drop the fowling piece. 453 00:21:03,653 --> 00:21:05,481 And I'd lay off watching those movies 454 00:21:05,525 --> 00:21:07,831 where the hero always says "Hey, take my buddy first. 455 00:21:07,875 --> 00:21:09,180 He's hurt worse than me, Doc." 456 00:21:09,224 --> 00:21:11,487 Right? Wrong. 457 00:21:15,970 --> 00:21:17,928 It's his chest and shoulder. 458 00:21:17,972 --> 00:21:20,540 Recruiting office got their money's worth out of this guy. 459 00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:22,019 Let's prep him. 460 00:21:22,063 --> 00:21:23,630 And you can remove my foot from my mouth. 461 00:21:23,673 --> 00:21:25,675 It's about a size 12-ectomy. 462 00:21:25,719 --> 00:21:28,069 Corpsman! 463 00:21:29,853 --> 00:21:31,942 3-0 silk on a Keith needle. 464 00:21:31,986 --> 00:21:35,424 MAN [on P.A.]: Attention. All available personnel 465 00:21:35,468 --> 00:21:38,340 will assemble in the compound for a memorial tribute 466 00:21:38,384 --> 00:21:41,343 personally conducted by Colonel Henry Blake. 467 00:21:41,387 --> 00:21:43,650 Finish closing, my dear. We'll split the fee. 468 00:21:49,612 --> 00:21:51,658 Lost but not least-- 469 00:21:51,701 --> 00:21:54,487 I mean, uh, last but not lost, the-- 470 00:21:54,530 --> 00:21:56,663 Oh, boy. 471 00:21:56,706 --> 00:22:00,014 This command salutes the gallant spirit 472 00:22:00,057 --> 00:22:01,624 if not the actual body 473 00:22:01,668 --> 00:22:04,801 of Lieutenant Henry Batiste LeClerq. 474 00:22:04,845 --> 00:22:07,151 Tony, hit it. 475 00:22:07,195 --> 00:22:09,197 ♪♪ [piano on P.A.] 476 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:12,505 MAN [on P.A.]: The national anthem of Luxembourg. 477 00:22:12,548 --> 00:22:17,510 ♪♪ [continues] 478 00:23:10,650 --> 00:23:12,913 LeClerq! 479 00:23:12,956 --> 00:23:14,567 Uhh! 480 00:23:25,186 --> 00:23:27,536 I thought you said he was dead. 481 00:23:27,580 --> 00:23:29,451 He got better. 482 00:23:40,375 --> 00:23:42,682 HAWKEYE: He never could handle his prune juice. 483 00:23:42,725 --> 00:23:44,379 Dennis, Igor, give me a hand. 484 00:23:44,423 --> 00:23:46,250 [Turkish] 485 00:23:46,294 --> 00:23:48,731 -Okay? -No okay. You hold it just one second. 486 00:23:48,775 --> 00:23:50,211 You're gonna stay here. I got to fix you up. 487 00:23:50,254 --> 00:23:51,560 I fix you. 488 00:23:51,604 --> 00:23:52,822 You sick. You got that? 489 00:23:52,866 --> 00:23:54,520 Damn good Joe. 490 00:23:56,304 --> 00:23:57,958 Okay? 491 00:23:58,001 --> 00:24:00,264 -Hey, wait! -Where are you going? 492 00:24:00,308 --> 00:24:02,528 [both shouting] 493 00:24:02,571 --> 00:24:04,530 -Hey! -Hey! 494 00:24:06,532 --> 00:24:07,881 Yeah, well, that's how it is: 495 00:24:07,924 --> 00:24:09,404 You lose a few, and you lose a few. 496 00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:22,939 -♪♪ [ukulele] -This is almost all run out, Dad, 497 00:24:22,983 --> 00:24:24,680 so before it's over, 498 00:24:24,724 --> 00:24:26,203 I thought you might like to hear 499 00:24:26,247 --> 00:24:28,075 from some of the guys here. 500 00:24:28,118 --> 00:24:30,686 Trapper, want to say hello to my dad? 501 00:24:30,730 --> 00:24:33,167 Hello, Dad. Your son's no good. 502 00:24:35,038 --> 00:24:36,649 Thank you, Trapper. 503 00:24:36,692 --> 00:24:39,478 This is my other bunkie, Dad: Frank Burns. 504 00:24:39,521 --> 00:24:42,785 Oh, I know. And then that thing squirts water in my face. 505 00:24:44,265 --> 00:24:46,180 That's Frank Burns, Dad, all over. 506 00:24:46,223 --> 00:24:47,660 [snoring] 507 00:24:47,703 --> 00:24:49,226 Radar? 508 00:24:49,270 --> 00:24:52,186 Would you like to, uh, snore something for my father? 509 00:24:52,229 --> 00:24:55,624 [snoring] 510 00:24:55,668 --> 00:24:58,409 Thank you, Radar O'Reilly. 511 00:24:58,453 --> 00:25:00,716 And the ever-lovely Henry Blake. 512 00:25:02,501 --> 00:25:05,112 Um, Mr. Pierce, sir, 513 00:25:05,155 --> 00:25:08,245 I'd be mighty grateful if you'd call my wife, Lorraine Blake, 514 00:25:08,289 --> 00:25:10,247 in Bloomington, Illinois. 515 00:25:10,291 --> 00:25:12,859 -Thank you, Henry. -And ask her to send some new shorts. 516 00:25:12,902 --> 00:25:15,426 Okay. 517 00:25:15,470 --> 00:25:17,472 Well, it's, uh, 518 00:25:17,516 --> 00:25:20,127 it's just about all over, Dad. 519 00:25:20,170 --> 00:25:23,086 Good-bye. [sigh] 520 00:25:23,130 --> 00:25:25,915 And, uh... 521 00:25:25,959 --> 00:25:27,874 hope I see you soon. 522 00:25:36,491 --> 00:25:38,493 ♪♪ [theme]